Inconsistency.
If you were to watch me play 9 holes of golf, a few words might come to mind but the more than likely the word you would use to describe it would be Inconsistent.
If you were to watch me at work for a month, you would see a lot of things that seem like magic - the way I effortlessly build rapport with potential clients I’ve never met, and then quickly turn that rapport into a multimillion dollar 3 year contract. You would also see a lot of unfinished business. Many phone calls not returned. Emails that are left unopened, and if opened, certainly unattended to. Some of these items are not important, but many are. You would likely describe my performance as inconsistent.
If I were to show you the results to my MBTI, IQ Tests, and various other tests designed to categorize or explain behavior, you would see consistency. However, those tests will also describe me as inconsistent.
For years I’ve struggled with ADHD - fortunately and unfortunately, I wasn’t labeled ADHD as a child. There were a lot of misdiagnosed kids in the early 90s, but luckily I was not one of them.
All through high school I failed classes, and not from lack of understanding or intellect, but from boredom. Everyone always told me I was smart, it’s something you end up taking for granted. After all, everyone thinks I’m smart already, so why the hell do I need to read a few chapters on the Civil War and answer questions on it? After all, the book has all the answers already! Who cares?
About 2 years I started suffering at work. I couldn’t concentrate. This is unacceptable, at the time I was supporting my wife and two children - losing the job was NOT an option.
I saw my doctor and got tested for ADHD. I was convinced I needed something, I was convinced something was wrong with me.
Soon I started taking Adderall XR. I was able to concentrate at work, I spent more time building relationships with friends, and finally there was some consistency in my performance.
A few months later, it stopped working. I would just space out - I became a zombie.
I needed more.
This helped for a time…but soon the same problems came back.
About 6 months ago I decided to stop taking it all together. I made a decision to beat this and finally live up to my potential without any outside help.
My renewed interest in weight training helped a lot. I designed routines for myself in the morning, at work, and at home to complete small tasks that most people seem to have no problem doing. This worked well for a month but soon my inability to focus grew frustrating. I can’t describe it.
So here I am today, frustrated, horribly inconsistent, and trying Adderall again. I have about a months worth of it saved up, and I can always get a new prescription if I decide to continue.
If I fail trying to fix this, so be it, I can live with that. But I can’t live with the idea that I never tried to fix it.
I guess there isn’t much of a point to this, but I just want this to be out here because it will prevent me from quitting the iron game which is the only consistency in my life right now.