Damn. The. Jokes. lol
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I texted this to my wife while I was cooking breakfast. I could hear her laughing from the bedroom. She’s a “mixed” human (dad is black, mom 50/50 Hispanic/Welsh…like any of that shit should matter). She loved it.
What in God’s name is this abomination? 
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I know this is supposed to be funny, but it is so accurate I feel like I just left work.
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Random fact, you can say any any thing offensive in a kitchen. These are all legitimate things I have heard.
Motherfucker cock titties, burnt sperm bastard, double fisting butt pirate, cat fucker because that’s the only pussy you get, happy fuck day ass-mouth - get to work, just because you’re black dosen’t mean your dick looks like a veiney snickers bar, I would rather masturbate with sandpaper than hear you talk, fuck off meat sheath, etc. It’s wielding profanity like a paintbrush.
The single exception is asshole. If you call someone an asshole that means it’s serious. People stop what they’re doing and look over at whatever is happening.
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If I was giving directions on how to cook a mutherfocking steak, I would not turn all prissy when discussing wine pairings. I would also stress the mutherfocking importance of leaving your steak on the plate for five minutes before cutting it.
Good steak is delicious with pepper and salt. The same mutherfocking purists get all flustered and clutch their pearls if you add anything to hamburger beef (Horrors!), generally making some meatloaf comment, but then do the same thing if making salmon or chicken burgers without mutherfocking comment. Is it better? Often so.
I think good steak is even better with stuff like angry grandma sauce (chili crisp), mustard and fresh horseradish, maybe all of these. Since good sides are amazing, pick the mutherfocking ones you like best. The best answer might be potatoes dauphinoise, however this sounds as stupid and twee as the fancy mutherfocking grape juice. Real men drink Rusty Nails™, but as some mutherfockra said recently, you know what a real man drinks?
Already old…
In a moment of serendipitous kismet, my wife sent this to me on messenger just after I read this. 
.
This must be something I was supposed to see.
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I am uncomfortable with how uncomfortable this feels true.
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Those are actually pretty good. Have 7 of them then go do some martial arts.
Not that I tried that.
But when I did I got my ass kicked and had a ton of fun.
I literally had a mini meltdown in my training log about this.
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