by Hacksaw Hawkins
There are plenty of people in the bodybuilding world who take themselves a little too seriously. The job of this-here little satiric column is to remind these souls to try to relax a little and not be so Type A. We hope they realize that this is all meant in good fun, and we hope they take the gentle ribbing in the spirit in which it was intended.
Just in case you've been holed up on some South Pacific island for the last twenty years with one of those Japanese soldiers who thinks World War II is still going on, Dr. Scott Connelly is the guy who invented MET-Rx. Likewise, for those of you who aren't sure what MET-Rx is, take a look at some of the bodybuilding mags from the past few years?just about every third page extolls the "bio-engineered" food's virtues.
For a while, MET-Rx was hot?athletes used it, regular people used it, and you could catch glimpses of it in various TV shows and sporting events. Even Howard Stern hawked it on his radio show. Although it was regarded with some mystique when it first came out, that mystique is all but gone as you can now buy the product at K-Mart, or any number of decidedly mundane chain stores. It remains, however, an extremely popular product with mainstream America.
Most of us hardcore types forgot about Connelly and MET-Rx because he, for all intents and purposes, disappeared for a few years. Many look back fondly at his articles and seminars, despite the fact that they were, at times, virtually incomprehensible to experts and laymen alike.
Likewise, there's a little bit of controversy over his academic background. Critics say that when he first surfaced, he was advertised as a "Harvard-educated nutritionist," but, in reality, he's neither. He's actually a practicing anethesiologist held in high regard by his profession. Of course, if you ask us, his initial press was fabricated by the marketing guys and Connelly probably had little to do with his trumped up resum?. Other detractors say he's a bit stand-offish and that he's stuck on the high-protein concept and refuses to introduce new products.
We contacted Dr. Scott Connelly (at least in our imagination) and asked him about some of these allegations and to hopefully put an end to these unfortunate rumors:
Dr. Connelly, one of the criticisms I hear directed towards you most often is that your articles?even your everyday speech patterns?are way too complicated; in fact, almost pretentious. What would you say to these critics?
As a child, I had the unfortunate linguistic anomaly of speaking just like that delightful little animated fellow known as Porky Pig. I could not utter a sentence without slipping into a reasonable facsimile of his now-famous line, "Ab-be-da, ab-be-da, ab-be-da, that's all folks." My mother recollects that she was watching cartoons on television when I was born, hence the bizarre affectation. Consequently, as I was growing up, I was repeatedly beaten into a stupor by the neighborhood children. To force myself out of this strange habit, I began practicing incomprehensible speech patterns that are every bit as ridiculous as my inadvertent homage to Warner Brothers cartoons. Consequently, everyone I meet is under the mistaken impression that I'm saying something of inestimable value. As they say, every aqueous conglomeration suspended at a considerable height in the air has a lining consisting of a metallic element that has, incidentally, the highest electrical conductivity of any metal.
Let me guess, every cloud has a silver lining? Doc, doc, when you try to over-complicate things, isn't that just a type of mental masturbation?
If, by "masturbation," you are referring to what is colloquially known as "spanking the ham," I would stand up and applaud you were I not engaging in a little self-fulfillment at this very moment. Indeed, I believe flogging the dolphin to be a healthful and pleasurable pursuit. In fact, next to the status I have gained in the nutritional world, I am most proud of the reputation I hold as a world-class whanker. I firmly believe the world would be a much more pleasant place if more people would learn to piston their porcupines! I implore everyone in the supplement world: bodybuilders, supplement manufacturers, publishers, everyone, to join hands?well, one hand at least?and join me in a giant, corporate flog-fest.
Incidentally, I have found my bio-engineered food, MET-Rx, to be a wonderful substitute for talcum powder and often generate a thick cloud of protein dust as I frenetically whip my powdered willie.
Uhhhh?okay. I'll certainly consider your advice. Although it seems that you haven't developed any products other than MET-Rx in the last ten years, I've heard you're in the process of developing high-protein foods like pancake mixes, pizzas, and soups?
Yes, the high-protein possibilities are endless, but it took an intellect, that is, when compared to other intellects, like the snowy peak of Mt. Everest juxtaposed against the loamy outcroppings of soil expelled from the burrows of certain North American, sightless mammalian members of the Talpidae family.
Uhh, like comparing mountains to mole hills?
Well, to put it in simplistic layman's terms, yes.
What about the high protein products you're developing?
As I said, the high-protein possibilities are endless. We're currently working on a high-protein apple, a high-protein bagel, a high-protein carrot, a high-protein doughnut?
Wait, wait, correct me if I'm wrong?aren't you just going through the alphabet here and applying the "high-protein" tag to just anything you can think of?
Don't interrupt a genius. A high-protein English Springer Spaniel; a high-protein flashlight; a high-protein gnu, high-protein horse shit, and so-on and so-forth. Within a year or two, we hope to get to the high-protein whoopie cushion.
C'mon, doctor! Aren't you trying to develop anything else that's not related to the high-protein concept?
Well, there is some truth to the aphorism that one finds it improbable, if not impossible, to educate a member of the genus species, canis domesticus, in a new stratagem.
Let me guess, "an old dog, new tricks?"
Well, yes, if you prefer to put it in comprehensible terms. Hmmm, it seems you may possess a modicum of intelligence. Perhaps I will deem it worthwhile to speak to you in the future, or at least acknowledge your presence?nahhh.
Let me bring up what may be an uncomfortable question. According to legend, the marketing boys initially promoted you as a "Harvard-educated nutritionist." Now it seems you're neither "Harvard-educated" nor a "nutritionist." What's the real story?
Umm, a high-protein intra-uterine device; a high-protein Ju-Ju fruit; a high-protein?
C'mon doc, don't avoid the question!
It's clear that there is a mixture of esters, cerotic acid, and hydrocarbons preventing your auditory mechanisms from interpreting sounds correctly. I didn't say I was "Harvard-educated," I said I was, uhhh, "barnyard-educated." Sure, me and, uhhh, "Pa" studied the effects of bio-engineered?grain?on the fowl?I mean, the chickens, and?pigs, and such. And afterwards, we would have our matriarchal unit, I mean, "Ma" don her gingham dress and apply heat to a "mess" of catfish! Yes, the experiences of my early youth were invaluable in forming the intellectual foundations on which I have built my inestimable intelligence!
What about the nutrition background. Did you really study nutrition in college?
I have studied the?literature?for some time. For instance, I was reading this morning that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and that the bio-engineered food I was eating is fortified with eight important vitamins and minerals. And that if I send in the box top, I will receive valuable coupons!
Doc, that sounds like you were reading the back of a Count Chocula cereal box!
No, wait, wait! I know other nutritional clich?s! Fish is good brain food! Starve a cold, feed a beaver?no wait, feed Mrs. Cleaver!
Uhh, thanks Doc. It's been?enlightening.
No, wait! Lose pounds fast! International coffees only taste sinful!
T
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